FRIDAY THOUGHTS TO PONDER

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I
can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.
4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to
drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that
you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That's enough, Nickelback (I don't get this one?)
7. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
I was younger.
8. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a
keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was
younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it
actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already
hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.
Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.
14. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
15. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each
hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
16. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
17. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying
to finish a text.
18. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to
the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
19. Was learning cursive really necessary?
20. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing
else to say".
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the
Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street
smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
25. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
26. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to
follow each other?
27. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
28. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
29. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.
30. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in
the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
31. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
32. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
33. Bad decisions make good stories
34. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that
their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures?
Don't mind if I do!
35. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier
every year?
36. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their
offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
37. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has
to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
38. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment
at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
39. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I
don't want to have to restart my collection.
40. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you
are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
41. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
42. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
ever.
43. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
44. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally
for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
45. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
46. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then
not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
47. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something
she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
48. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on
shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
49. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
cruising speed for pedophiles...
50. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
51. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
52. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.
53. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a
kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
54. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know
what do to with it.
55. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com
and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
56. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone
they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
57. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
58. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday
or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
59. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the
bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.